To Be (“fat”), or Not to Be (“fat”), That is the Question

After showing friend my “fat” photos vs. my “skinny” photos I heard the words, “you weren't fat”. She suggested that I be more sensitive to reality.

Crushed I was. (not to be confused with a Yoda saying).

Phoenix I am.

I have risen from the rubble and shaken off the ash.

I have had an epiphany. I would like to share this epiphany with you.

There is a technical definition of obesity. That definition is this: when your BMI is greater than 30, you are obese.

Okay, I was, at my max, 40 lbs overweight. My highest weight was 168 at my 5' 2 and a half “ frame. My BMI was 30.2. That means that I have technically been obese several times in my life. Although most of my life has been spent in the “overweight” or “normal” BMI zone, it is the obesity zone that I am going to hone in on.

I was not a 1x. I was not a 2x. But, I felt like one.

I assure you, people treated me differently. I was never included as part of the “in” crowd. I was fatty fatty two-by-four feeling aw-ful to the core.

Could I have been wrong? Could it be that I treated myself differently?

There are definite physiological health risks associated with obesity. The CDC sites coronary heart disease, type 2 diabetes, cancers (endometrial, breast and colon), hypertension, dyslipidemia, stroke, liver and gallbladder disease, sleep apnea and respiratory problems, osteoarthritis, and gynecological problems as health consequences for the overweight or obese. Now THAT is depressing and eye opening. That isn't the crux of my message.

I think that the psychology behind obesity is really what I am trying to point out. I am not a psychologist, don't have time to play one on t.v. and don't have time to add that to my repertoire of degrees and certifications. However, I am pretty sure that I suffer from dysmorphia. What? Is this in any way related to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Is is contagious? Nope. It simply means that I don't have a “valid” image of my body.

At times, I honestly see myself as a lumbering lard life-form.

Aha! Here comes the epiphany.

Even if you are not “technically obese”, your perception of yourself as a “fat”/obese/overweight/[insert YOUR opinion here] is valid to you. So, regardless of whether I have been 40 or 400 pounds overweight, the feelings that I would have at either weight are the same. In my opinion, a person in either weight category can share the same self image. Well ( sarcastic tone intact) that's just not healthy, is it?

I have often joked, when I have been thin, that deep inside there is a “fat” person trying to escape.

This is true. I will always have a fat complex shackled to me; clamped down with extra spikes. When I looked that reference up I found a treasure trove of symbolism. So rich, in fact, that it is worth going off task here.....

Ball and Chain. Flail. Middle -Ages. Now, what do those things have in common? A Flail is a weapon commonly attributed to the Middle-Ages sometimes referred to as a ball and chain. Here the the connection to my perceived weight image. I personally flail about like an idiot proclaiming, in my middle-age, that my obesity image of myself is like a ball and chain permanently attached to my psyche.
Huh. Huh? Huh!

I am okay with this perception of myself, even when others are not on board.

For me, this perception is the motivator which keeps my weight under control . It motivates me to eat moderately careful and perform specific exercise geared toward a healthy ratio of lean body mass. I do need to keep this self image in check and make sure I don't feel any of these feelings in extreme which could lead to anorexia, bulimia or over-training. For the most part ,this crazy “obesasaurus” self image gives me the constitution to exercise and eat nutritionally.

I should start a club.

The obesasaurus club.

I am sure that a lot of women would join. I am guessing that they would range in size from size 4 (my current size) way up to 1x and beyond. There would be a weighting list because there are too many women out there with this crazy warped self-image.

I do have one final note.

Although converse of a statement is often not true, I believe that the converse here is true.

Physiologically being obese is associated with health risks. That is an undeniable fact .

Psychologically obesity may be real or perceived. If you behold yourself as thin and hot then I stand up and applaud you! I envy you, because, you ARE thin and sexy even if you are technically obese. I strive for your confidence and self-assurance.

Judge as you may. People treat 40 lbs or 400 lbs overweight the same. I feel that people should believe me when I say, I was “fat”.

If you don't feel thin, no matter what your weight, I understand.

Love Thighself

I have “done” many diets in my life of looking for my personal skinny body.

I never found my “skinny body”.

I am either an endomorph.....

..........................or a mesomorph....

............................................but, for sure, I am not an ectomorph.

Such is life.

Have you ever noticed that the grass is greener for many people? In body image lingo, that would be the ass Is leaner.

In life, curly haired people generally buy a hair straightener and straight haired people buy a curling iron. For some reason, many people want what they don't have.

If I had one wish for you, it is this: Accept Yourself for Who You Are.

I found that, for me, once I let go of the idea that I wasn't going to look like Olive Oil, I was happier with myself.

The point is this: For every negative quality we have, there is a corresponding positive attribute.

For example, I was born with the largest ever calves and thighs. It looks like I was bitten by the tsetse fly.

When I was two, my mom's cousin used to converse with my mom about my legs. I still remember when I saw him 26 years later at my wedding. He couldn't believe that it was me in that wedding gown....had I grown that much? I swore that it was me and raised my wedding gown displaying my legs. “Yep. It's you, alright” he said.

We laughed.

My legs and the way they look are still something that I need to accept.

Guess What? (Here comes the “good over evil” part).....Corresponding with those hideous pegs comes STRENGTH.

I am incredibly strong.

Now, would I trade that strength for skinny nice legs?....at this stage in my life, I would say “yes”, I would rather have “hot legs” over gargantuan pillars of strength....BUT.....It Is What It Is.

The beauty of my beast is that I look cool at power-lifting competitions!

Having big calves was totally uncool when I was growing up. All I knew was that I was different and it felt awful.

I always looked at others girl's gams with green eyes. I always felt “fat”, inferior, and unglamorous.

But, I wasn't fat! I was “stocky”. At that time, I had no idea what that meant, but now I do. I know that most people that are built like me (little brick shit house) are strong.

Even famous sport/celebrity people have issues with their body parts. Look at Tiger Woods (who is in a heap o' trouble while I am writing this). It is reported that he hates his smaller calves. He wishes that they were bigger. I'd trade him any day. His legs are more shapely than mine and would probably look better in heels.

To this day I hate to go shopping.

Trying to get my small waist and large legs into the same size pants is nearly impossible.

I don't know who designers design for. I am guessing stick figures. You know, the ones that you drew in elementary school. They certainly do not design for someone built like me.

This theory, that I call Mlaabats bias (“my legs are as big as tree stumps but I am strong”)can be used in many areas in your life.

Let's look at other undesirable attributes and apply this theory. I'll spell my undesirables out since I am the most familiar with them.

I have something like ADD, executive function disorder, closet eating habits, and procrastination. These are probably my worst attributes (besides my legs). These are all self-diagnosed ailments, so therapists cannot shred my diagnosis.....it is how I perceive myself.

Looking at my ADD is a great example of good and bad in the same demon trait. ADD allows me to focus like a gerbil on crack. I can't focus, pay attention, keep going with a project... oh look, there is a squirrel in the yard.

I think that I have struggled with this issue all of my life. As I grew up and angered my mom with my terrible grades I learned how to compensate. I still compensate.

But, that same ADD that has and continues to cause such strife does have a lot of positives. I can jump from one conclusion to the next and access trivial crap in my mind to bring two or more totally unrelated topics together.

Guess what? That ability makes me funnee.....and people perceive me as smart.

My ADD is both a blessing and a curse. I choose to see it as a blessing.

And So Like the Magnets on Your Refrigerator***, Find the Balance of your good and bad and stick with Loving Thighself.





***We all have a negative attribute and a corresponding positive attribute.