To Be (“fat”), or Not to Be (“fat”), That is the Question

After showing friend my “fat” photos vs. my “skinny” photos I heard the words, “you weren't fat”. She suggested that I be more sensitive to reality.

Crushed I was. (not to be confused with a Yoda saying).

Phoenix I am.

I have risen from the rubble and shaken off the ash.

I have had an epiphany. I would like to share this epiphany with you.

There is a technical definition of obesity. That definition is this: when your BMI is greater than 30, you are obese.

Okay, I was, at my max, 40 lbs overweight. My highest weight was 168 at my 5' 2 and a half “ frame. My BMI was 30.2. That means that I have technically been obese several times in my life. Although most of my life has been spent in the “overweight” or “normal” BMI zone, it is the obesity zone that I am going to hone in on.

I was not a 1x. I was not a 2x. But, I felt like one.

I assure you, people treated me differently. I was never included as part of the “in” crowd. I was fatty fatty two-by-four feeling aw-ful to the core.

Could I have been wrong? Could it be that I treated myself differently?

There are definite physiological health risks associated with obesity. The CDC sites coronary heart disease, type 2 diabetes, cancers (endometrial, breast and colon), hypertension, dyslipidemia, stroke, liver and gallbladder disease, sleep apnea and respiratory problems, osteoarthritis, and gynecological problems as health consequences for the overweight or obese. Now THAT is depressing and eye opening. That isn't the crux of my message.

I think that the psychology behind obesity is really what I am trying to point out. I am not a psychologist, don't have time to play one on t.v. and don't have time to add that to my repertoire of degrees and certifications. However, I am pretty sure that I suffer from dysmorphia. What? Is this in any way related to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Is is contagious? Nope. It simply means that I don't have a “valid” image of my body.

At times, I honestly see myself as a lumbering lard life-form.

Aha! Here comes the epiphany.

Even if you are not “technically obese”, your perception of yourself as a “fat”/obese/overweight/[insert YOUR opinion here] is valid to you. So, regardless of whether I have been 40 or 400 pounds overweight, the feelings that I would have at either weight are the same. In my opinion, a person in either weight category can share the same self image. Well ( sarcastic tone intact) that's just not healthy, is it?

I have often joked, when I have been thin, that deep inside there is a “fat” person trying to escape.

This is true. I will always have a fat complex shackled to me; clamped down with extra spikes. When I looked that reference up I found a treasure trove of symbolism. So rich, in fact, that it is worth going off task here.....

Ball and Chain. Flail. Middle -Ages. Now, what do those things have in common? A Flail is a weapon commonly attributed to the Middle-Ages sometimes referred to as a ball and chain. Here the the connection to my perceived weight image. I personally flail about like an idiot proclaiming, in my middle-age, that my obesity image of myself is like a ball and chain permanently attached to my psyche.
Huh. Huh? Huh!

I am okay with this perception of myself, even when others are not on board.

For me, this perception is the motivator which keeps my weight under control . It motivates me to eat moderately careful and perform specific exercise geared toward a healthy ratio of lean body mass. I do need to keep this self image in check and make sure I don't feel any of these feelings in extreme which could lead to anorexia, bulimia or over-training. For the most part ,this crazy “obesasaurus” self image gives me the constitution to exercise and eat nutritionally.

I should start a club.

The obesasaurus club.

I am sure that a lot of women would join. I am guessing that they would range in size from size 4 (my current size) way up to 1x and beyond. There would be a weighting list because there are too many women out there with this crazy warped self-image.

I do have one final note.

Although converse of a statement is often not true, I believe that the converse here is true.

Physiologically being obese is associated with health risks. That is an undeniable fact .

Psychologically obesity may be real or perceived. If you behold yourself as thin and hot then I stand up and applaud you! I envy you, because, you ARE thin and sexy even if you are technically obese. I strive for your confidence and self-assurance.

Judge as you may. People treat 40 lbs or 400 lbs overweight the same. I feel that people should believe me when I say, I was “fat”.

If you don't feel thin, no matter what your weight, I understand.